Let's try something out

Chiara imagined Nathan coming her way. Even the thought of it made her heart beat faster. She felt warmth spread through her throat and up her cheeks, coloring her freckled face as she pictured his face.
She imagined again what she would do... how she would tell him. Yes, what would she say? Every time she imagined herself doing it, it was different. She looked up at Half-Blood Hill, breathed once thoroughly, and placed Nathan there in her mind. She pictured his brown, tousled hair, his nose that she had found ugly before finding it charming, his dry lips that he often bit when he smiled, and the dimples his laughs would dig in his cheeks. She saw his cheekbones under his hazel eyes, his unruly eyebrows and somewhat irregular teeth. His cocky grin that she used to hate, wanting to punch it off his face. Now she wanted to kiss him every time she saw it.
Okay.... now to telling him.... Well, first, the greeting, obviously.

Hey! Excuse-me, can we talk, two minutes? It won't be long, I promise. After that, I'll disappear.

As soon as she thought 'I'll disappear', she decided against it. It wasn't her style, and Nathan knew that Chiara would never 'disappear'. She kicked people into disappearing first.

I just need to talk to you about something. And I know myself. If I don't do it now, I'll chicken out again and regret it.

She took another deep breath and looked up to where she imagined Nathan's face.

I can't take you out of my thoughts. I can't tell you in another way... It's not very complicated anyway. I think you understand.
She felt herself flush even more as she imagined herself talking like that. She was so much into it that she realized her lips were moving, like she was actually speaking to her imaginary version of Nathan.

I'm sorry if it's a bit direct, but I tell myself we have only one life, and it's too short, too fragile to be shy. And it's better to have remorses rather than regrets, right?

Chiara breathed in.

I don't know where it comes from, I don't know how it came to this. I could never explain it. I can understand that you think I'm crazy, I wouldn't blame you.

She kicked a stone out of her way as she walked up the hill, seeing Nathan in front of her, and looking into his eyes.

It's just that when I see you, I have flashes inside my head, images that come back continuously, and I need to be sure of it.

It was true, but acknowledging that to Nathan -- well, his imaginary version -- was quite a difficult step, so she looked away. She felt herself let go of her fear. It was just imagination, what did she care? He'd never know.

I see us go out, walk, have a drink and leave without paying. I see us staying up until sunrise, making pipe-dreams, running, swimming in the sea with our clothes, making graffitis on famous monuments.... crashing into classical concerts with deafening dubstep music, make our way across Manhattan in free running, participate in violent protest marches, fighting the cops and stay up all night dancing on the top of a skyscraper...

Thinking all this made her feel better, and she even started whispering to increase the feeling of reality. Nathan's face was started to get a bit blurred because she was thinking so much about it, but she carried on.

So I won't lie to you, I'm not really the best you can find on the market. I'm unreliable, impulsive, never on time, nervous, quick-tempered, insolent... You know that already, I think. She allowed herself a little smile as she thought that. As said, I don't know how it came to this. I couldn't explain it again. It's just... it never really happened before. It came down upon me, just like that. Until now, I was kind of building sh*t, I went from one person to another without managing to become attached to anybody. It's quite shady, I know, but well. I'm like everybody else.

She looked up at the sky, then back at the image of Nathan she had placed in her mind, in front of her. It seemed she could breathe easier.

It's strange because on the one hand I really feel ridiculous telling you all this like that, but at the same time it makes me feel good. First because I can finally know what happens on your side, but also because I realize the luck I have, to still be able to have feelings for somebody. Ever since I wanted to tell you this...It... it kinda changes my life, you don't realize it I think. I have the impression I'm not the same person anymore. It's like I was blind-drunk for one year and I finally got over it. I feel different. I want to try to smoke less, to drink less, getting back into movement... who knows, perhaps even into the good path.

She grinned and looked up at Thalia's tree, gazing at the gleaming Golden Fleece.

And even if I know that I'm far from being perfect... If you want to try it out, I think it could work, because you never know. And even if you realize that I'm not somebody for you, if you don't feel well, if you're sad, if there's anything at all, just call. I'll be there. I don't want you to have false thoughts, I don't want to ask you for marriage. And even if I can't force you to hang out with me, I can ask you to believe everything I told you tonight.

She breathed in and watched the evening colors taint the sky with indigo, orange and yellow. The sun brushed the horizon. Chiara felt good.

I think I'm gonna leave you alone now. I talk a lot, I know, I'm sorry. You can answer later, of course. Take your time, nothing's urgent. If anything happens though... as said, I'm there.

She looked at her imaginary Nathan, picturing his cocky grin and his hazel eyes under his bushy eyebrows, a streak of hair on his forehead.

Good night.